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:iconelephantselephants: More from ElephantsElephants


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Poetry-literature by chryssalis

Writing by DarthSithari


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April 26, 2012
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And now we're broken.
But remember me as the
girl who made you smile.  
I haven't written a haiku in ages.... :)
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:iconaimofwakingistodream:
I really like this haiku. They're so short, and therefore difficult to write, but you did a really good job! I love how the first line brings us immediately into the situation. It's like you've placed us at the end, not the beginning of something. We get to fill in the pieces. You did that in three lines! Great!

I think the second line needs some reworking though...the first and third are so strong, that the middle one feels like a filler to get us to the third. Can you make it count as much as the other two?
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:iconemily--ann:
Emily--Ann Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012
...Techniqually this isn't haiku due to the fact that it contains no references to nature and second line and the third line aren't actually separate like the lines of a poem tend to be

I quite like the first line though and you could make a very good haiku using it (the nature references had to be mentioned as I have been told off so many times for the same mistake haha) - you have the correct syllable stucture and a good first line :D

Although the second line should be able to remain separate from the third :)

here's an example of one that I've done if that helps to explain [link]


I adore the first line though!!!!! :heart:
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:iconelephantselephants:
ElephantsElephants Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Student Writer
I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on this haiku! Thank you!

I understand all the points you made, for those are the rules a beginner haiku writer tends to stick with.

However, once one becomes skilled in the art of haiku, the rules can be broken. Very broken. Extremely broken. Some of the best haiku were not written about nature, and a lot do not stick to the 5-7-5 rule. I once wrote a haiku about my father, and it had nine syllables in total. And it won a prize.

So, I see your concern. But once one becomes adept in haiku, the word "haiku" has a lot of meanings.
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:iconemily--ann:
Emily--Ann Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012
^^ i only go off the feedback i have gotten myself hehe i'm hardly a beginner i just like the structure :P

i just thought to make the comment just in case hehe i actually know barely anything other than what people tell me in my comments! :O shocking i know lol
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:iconelephantselephants:
ElephantsElephants Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Student Writer
Well, that's the thing, isn't it? A lot of people just go by what everybody tells them and don't look into it. I've looked a lot into haiku. It used to be my favourite form of poetry, and I've been writing it for an extremely long time.
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:iconemily--ann:
Emily--Ann Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2012
I was on about the critiques I've had on works- nothing more nothing less. not just random comments from other people, I've looked on websites many times and found that half the time they aren't correct hence making it difficult to learn and improve at something without decent reliable sources meaning that the best you can get is going off what these people tell you. nothing bad was meant in the comments and I was only attempting to help - but if you found any of it offensive then I'm sorry.
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:iconelephantselephants:
ElephantsElephants Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2012  Student Writer
Oh, no! I didn't find them offensive! Hahah, I just thought I could educate you more on the subject :)
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:iconemily--ann:
Emily--Ann Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2012
Oh hehe ^^
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:iconerudi:
Erudi Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nice! I like that it starts with "And." :3
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:iconelephantselephants:
ElephantsElephants Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Student Writer
Hahah... I first used it because I was in need of a syllable, and now it's grown on me :)
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